So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
