I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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