Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
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