I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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