i wish starbucks made bloody marys
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
