the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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