Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Randomize