No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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