i would punch a child for taco bell
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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