No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
