Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
he just fucked me for my cheese..
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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