i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
