my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
