I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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