I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
