If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
where are my eyebrows?
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