My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i drank out of a bidet.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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