Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
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