i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
