Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
