i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize