Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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