So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
