Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
