I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Randomize
