The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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