I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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