I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
