he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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