Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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