its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
My ATM looks so different sober.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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