I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
