i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
