where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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