I faked an abortion last night.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
