I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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