I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
