My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I just want nice things and good sex
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Randomize
