38 yer olds are good kisserssss
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
