I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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