My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
