then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
