I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
