Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
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