I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
