Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
