I cockslap morals
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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