you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
