i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
