wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
