I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
two words: eviction party
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
