life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
So vagazzling was a success
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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