he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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