Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I should be sponsored by Trojan
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
