two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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