I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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