i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
