I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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