My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
