There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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