I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
