I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
