So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
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