I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Randomize
