he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I did not marry a roomba.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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