You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
