they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
