bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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