So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
