dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
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